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Therapist reveals things daughter-in-laws should avoid if they want good relationship with mother-in-law

SWNS
430 次觀看
2 個月前
<p>A therapist has revealed the secrets to a good relationship with your mother-in-law - including setting boundaries and avoiding competing.</p><p>Leslyn Kantner, 62, said they must also avoid insulting their husband in front of his mother - because she will likely see it as an insult to her own parenting.</p><p>The grandmother-of-three said following her rules will increase understanding and mutual respect - which ultimately leads to a successful relationship.</p><p>Leslyn, a licensed therapist and relationship and family coach from Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, US, said: "The relationship between in-laws, particularly mother and daughter, is a complicated one.</p><p>"Easily once a month I'll be working with someone at one of the two ends of this relationship, who are sad or angry about how things are going.</p><p>"Ultimately, it comes as you're attempting to merge two of the greatest forces on the planet - intimate love and 'momma bear' love.</p><p>"More often than not the problem sits with the rigidity of older adults who should be open to new and different ways of doing things.</p><p>"But there are things daughter-in-laws need to remember to avoid doing if they want to relationship to work."</p><p>Leslyn shared her top five tips on TikTok - amassing an impressive 70k views.</p><p>The first point she makes is to tell daughter-in-laws to avoid trying to compete with the mother-son love - when the relationships they have are too different to compare.</p><p>She said: "It can feel like there is competition between a man's mother and his wife, for his time and attention.</p><p>"But they are different kinds of love - romantic versus family love.</p><p>"Romantic love - the wife - is the kind where you want to be close to someone and build your own family.</p><p>"But when that family structure is different to the family of origin, the man's family, it can feel threatening to the mother-in-law.</p><p>"You have to be respectful and understanding of that."</p><p>Leslyn said daughter-in-laws need to recognise that mother-in-laws might see their gain as her loss.</p><p>She explained that it can be easy for mother-in-laws to see it as a loss of a son, rather than the gaining of a daughter.</p><p>She said: "I think a lot of the responsibility lies with the man in question - his relationship with his mother is not yours to handle.</p><p>"But a certain amount of compassion can be afforded to the woman jumping in the back seat of her son's life after riding in the front for so long."</p><p>She also encourages daughter-in-laws to establish boundaries from the outset so that the degree of involvement works for everyone.</p><p>She explained this can be something like a daughter-in-law being expected to celebrate a holiday she normally wouldn't.</p><p>The daughter-in-law might be made to feel as though to say no would rock the boat - but to go along with it regardless would set a precedent that the daughter-in-law will go along with it every time.</p><p>Leslyn said: "When you're married, you and partner need to talk about what you want for your family and communicate that to both sets of parents as a unit.</p><p>"Men have a tendency not to want to disappoint their mothers, so leave the burden of communications to their wife - when they have to say no, it sets her up to be the bad guy.</p><p>"Communicating together to both parents says 'we love you guys but we’re a family now and we're going to do this'."</p><p>Leslyn also tells the daughter-in-law to ensure plans are made to include both her husband's and her own family equally - so not to just prioritise her own family.</p><p>She explained that it is often the case that women are expected to become a family's 'social director'.</p><p>In these cases, daughter-in-laws need to ensure they consider the time spent with their spouse's family as well as their own.</p><p>Leslyn said: "I 100 percent believe men should arrange for his own family - and this is a social construct which is changing.</p><p>"But traditionally it is always the woman, or the mum, who is the socialite - men traditionally weren't, because they never saw it modelled by the men in their lives."</p><p>Her final point is to avoid complaining about your husband to your mother-in-law - because the consequences can be more serious than you think.</p><p>She explained that a partner's expectations of a man are very different to his mother's expectations - meaning a mother may never have raised him to do the things you now expect him to.</p><p>Leslyn said: "If I'm complaining my partner doesn't do the dishes to a woman who never asked him to do the dishes, it might be challenging for her to understand or validate.</p><p>"It could also trigger some shame or guilt in his mother for raising a son who doesn't do the dishes.</p><p>"They might think 'are you saying I did a bad job of raising him?'."</p><p>She explained that this last point boils down to different families having different ideological structures and what is seen as the basic expectations of each member.</p><p>This means by judging your partner or spouse by the standards if your own family of origin, you could appear judgmental to your in-laws.</p><p>Leslyn said: "It really boils down to learning to respect the differences.</p><p>"Every single time I do couples counselling we spend a fair amount of time on this topic, because we learn what wives do by watching our mothers, and what husbands do by watching our fathers.</p><p>"These become silent expectations, so when we get married and suddenly, he doesn't behave like your father, you might feel confused, judgmental or even angry.</p><p>"But if you take it to your mother-in-law and complain, she'll probably think the problem is the daughter-in-law's, because in her household, that's normal."</p>
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